CO-PARENTING MY BABY FOR TWO MONTHS WITH ELLEN
by Catie Steffan        

I hadn’t truly realized how to appreciate the beauty in life until I met Hadley. We were introduced a little less than three years ago, however, we never met face to face until July 17, 2007. I clearly had not planned on  getting pregnant at the age of 19 but I knew immediately an abortion was not for me. I was adopted at the age of seven months from Seoul, South Korea into a closed adoption. Although I have never met my birthmother, I have come to respect and appreciate her selfless love for me over my lifetime.

Due to issues with the birthfather, I moved out to California where my parents were at the time. Once I had learned of Ellen’s service and more about open adoption, I knew it was the option for me. I can still remember my father driving me down to San Anselmo, passing the giant oak tree in the middle of the street, and pulling up to a lovely house with brick stairs. I immediately tensed up, felt nervous, and ashamed. Interestingly enough, after being greeted by a woman with cute bedroom slippers and a smile that lights up her whole face, I felt calmer and that I was in the right place. That day, was the first day I felt things were going to work out for the best.

I was unable to proceed with meeting prospective adoptive parents because the birthfather was threatening to fight the open adoption in court. Ellen spent hours upon hours talking with Matt and getting to know more about him. I simply waited and lazed about, practicing balancing tricks on my ever growing belly and nourishing my odd food cravings. Before I knew it, I was headed to the hospital (which was 2 hours away) at 4 in the morning. If you asked me how my labor pains were or how the delivery went, I could probably inaccurately recall what they were like. This is because, all I remember is meeting the most beautiful person I have ever met in my entire life at exactly 7:14 pm. Hadley was born a healthy eight pounds and I knew at that moment I was officially a changed person; a person aware of true happiness and pure beauty.

The day after I was released from the hospital, Ellen took Hadley home and I was a wreck. I could not eat, sleep or even function and I knew I needed to be with Hadley or I would fade off into oblivion losing a deep rooted part of myself. After talking with Ellen about my feelings of loss, I drove down the next day to stay with her and co-parent Hadley. This was the start of Ellen and my next two months. I would drive both Hadley and I back home to Gualala, CA to give Ellen a break for some days and this also allowed my parents to have their own time caring for Hadley and getting to know her. Those two months I spent with Hadley were the happiest of my life and I got the closure I needed. Yes, I went back and forth with my decision of whether or not to place her, but in the end I knew in my heart she deserved all the opportunities possible, which I could not give her at the time.

Matt was still contesting the open adoption, but Ellen came up with the idea to let him come out to California for four full days (he lives in Minnesota) to  experience parenting. To put it lightly, he got a crash course that parenting a newborn is a lot harder than it seems. After his visit, Matt flew home and signed the needed paperwork.  We both agreed on the Hodges as Hadley’s parents after he met them at Ellen’s monthly support group gathering. Marisa and Dan Hodges were exactly whom I pictured parenting Hadley. There was an instant connection between us all and I knew they were the perfect match.

Ask me today if I am as happy now as I was then. Do you know what my answer would be? I am happier. I see Hadley all the time and  know she is growing into a beautiful person. The Hodges are wonderful and my parents visit Hadley and have their own relationship with her. Hadley is a lucky girl and has so many people who love her, especially her older sister, (two years her senior) Grace. I am currently in college and working towards my bachelors of science in exercise and sport science with a neuroscience minor. I believe everything happens for a reason and every fiber in my body tells me, this was all meant to happen.

Catie Steffan